Entries from March 2005 ↓

With the sad passing of Johnny Cochran, most famous as O.J. Simpson’s lead defense attorney, the US Supreme Court faces a quandry. Some years ago, one of Cochran’s unhappy former clients began picketing his law office and generally harrassing him. Cochran sued and won. (In an act of overreaching pride, the client acted as his own counsel against Cochran.) The former client, Ulysses Tory, was enjoined from further harrassment with the additional priviso that never speak about him or his firm publicly, presumably even on the Internet. (I respect Mr Cochran, I really do.)

However, you cannot defame the dead, so normally, Tory would be free to say anyhing he wants now about the late Mr. Cochran. Except for that one stipulation that he “never” speak the Cochran matters publicly gain.

So it becomes a First Amendment question: is Tory’s speech being unreasonably limited?

By the way, Johnnie Cochran used one of the most memorable marketing themelines (“slogan” outside of the advertisng business) ever. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.* What was that copy line marketing? Why his client’s innocence.

In fact, as a marketing catch phrase it’s right up there with that hear-it-in-your-sleep copywriting tagline borrowed from a Wendy’s advertising campaign: Where’s the beef? which Walter Mondale used in his failed 1984 Presidential campaign. The Wendy’s copy line is from Dancer-Fitzgerald-Sample in 1984. (I say that to jog the memory of whoever it is out there who wrote it. I was just going to credit to Bill Bernbach, but frankly, I can’t do that.)

Maybe this proves the adage: nothing kills a bad product faster than good advertising?

*Note: Internet rumor has it that “fit … acquit” was actually coined by the redoubtable F. Lee Bailey.

With the passing of renowned poet Robert Creeley yesterday at the age of 78, I am thinking of well-known writers I’ve met. It would be a little too grim to limit this to those who have died.

Here’s a few Creeley lines from For Love: Poems 1950-1960:

What is it that
is finally so helpless
different, despairs of its own
statement, wants to
turn away, endlessly
to turn away

(I heard Creeley read while I was in college. I was also admitted into one of writing classes, but I had a geographical problem: he was in Masschusetts; I was in California, attending classes because I didn’t get into his class quickly enough to suit me. “The apparition of these faces in the crowd/ Petals on a wet black bough.” Damn, I was good.*)

Excluding co-workers, I think the most well-known copywriter I have met was Tom Nathan. He taught a copywriting class in N ew York and had worked at Scali McCabe Sloves. He wrote some incredible advertising.

The one I remember most vividly is
A Volvo discovery. Rain also falls on the rear window. — showing of course, the rear window wiper on a Volvo station wagon.

Does anyone have any encounters with famous writers or copywriters? What ads, what marketing campaigns, were they most famous for? And if you are Ed McCabe, don’t tell me because I just won’t believe you.

*OK, the poem is by Ezra Pound called “In a Station of the Metro.” The link has a wonderful description of how Pound came to write this poem.

Back in the day the coolest thing any creative — whether art director or copywriter — could have was a Gomes Loew sign.

Gomes-Loew Productions, founded by Dick Loew and George Gomes, was a TV commercial production house famous for their big screen movie look and — to a copywriter at least — their technically tricky shots. (I remember one shot where, as they moved right there was a beautiful oak beam — needed I think for a cut — but as the camera moved back over the same exact area, the beam wasn’t needed and so, magically, it was gone.)

Dick Loew directed several of my TV commercials. They looked great then; they look great now. I remember a corner office excutive attended at least one of the TV commercial shoots. Working with Gomes-Loew for a young copywriter, was definitely big time.

Months later, one afternoon in the autumn someone called to check on the spelling of my name. “Grant, G-R-A-N-T” “What’s this for?” I asked. “A Christmas gift” they said. Neither the gift nor the giver was explained any further.

Some weeks later I got another odd call.

“There’s something for you, here at the front desk.”

“I hope it isn’t breakable” I said, clueless.

“I think it is breakable” the young lady said.

It was yes! my name in neon light.

Though the sign was kind of cool, it wasn’t something a grown up would have in their office, was it?

Yes, it is. For my boss, his boss and his boss’s boss all had these in their offices.

And often they were on, blazing a fire-engine red in even the most brightly lit office.

Several years later, while arranging a hanging plant?, I moved my arm back and realized I had broken the most valuable thing in the room, maybe the apartment. My Gomes-Loew sign. I immediately had it repaired probably by the same company that had made it on the West Side of Manhattan.

“What was your signed filled with, buddy?”

“I don’t know. Neon, maybe.”

What color was it”

“Red.”

“That’s neon, then. If you want we can fill it with other gases . Helium for green, or argon for blue. There are other colors too: white, pink, yellow, whatever you want.”

I considered refilling the sign with helium for a green St. Paddy’s Day look. Except then it would appear I had ordered my own neon sign, and I had not been given a Gomes-Lowe one. I had it refilled with the original neon.

I still have mine. I think I’ll go turn it on now.

Note to Nigerian scam.

Wallace Wang, the author of Steal This Computer Book 3: What They Won’t Tell You about the Internet knows far more than I do about this scam. It really is run by Nigerians, possibly extending into their government. They really do hate Americans. And the fraud business is so popular there that this kind of evil marketing scam may be the third biggest industry in Nigeria.

Oww. Cancel that trip to Lagos Abuja.

From Adrants comes news that a former copywriter and creative director has published a medley of fiction and nonfiction about the Nigerian email scams.

From what I understand, if one were foolish enough to deliver lots of cash in person to the marketing letter writer in Nigeria, that was the last you were ever from. Really.

Tuesdays with Mantu: My Adventures with a Nigerian Con Artist is the title of the book.

Unfortunately,the deep cover investigation of the scammer is fiction, but the scam mechanics and emails themselves are true.

Wouldn’t this make a heck of a movie? Maybe with Don Cheadle as the head scammer. It could be creepy as heck. A modern internet scam that goes back into old Colonial Africa, and ends up with horrific murders somewhere in the uncharted African jungle. I’m firing up my Final Draft software right now.

Here is an actual Nigerian email I received:

From: mariama@aeneasmail.com
To: @aeneasmail.com
Subject: [inbox] YOU ARE MY LAST HOPE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!

CONTACT ME URGENTLY AND ALSO YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL/URGENT

FROM: MRS. MARIAM ABACHA

ATTN: PRESIDENT/CEO

Altenative Email address (mrs_mariamabacha_family@yahoo.com)

I am Mrs. Mariam Abacha, the widow of the late Gen.Sanni Abacha former Nigerian Military Head of State who died mysteriously as a result of Cardiac Arrest.Since after my husbands death, my family is under
restriction of movement and that notwithstanding, we are being molesting; policing and our Bank Account both here and abroad are being frozen by the Nigerian Civilian Government. Furthermore, my elder son is in detention by the Nigerian Government for more interrogation about my husbands assets and some vital document.

Following the recent discovery of my husbands Bank Account by the
Nigerians Government with Swiss Bank in which the huge sum of US$700 Million and Dutch 450 Million was logged. I therefore decided to contact you in confidence that I was above to move out the sum of US$23.5 Million Dollars, which was secret and is sealed in two Metal Boxes for security reasons.

I personally therefore appeal to you seriously and religiously for your urgent assistant to move this money into your country where I believe it will be safe since I cannot leave the country due to the restriction movement imposed on the members of my family by the Nigerian Government.

Once you indicate your interest to assist me in this transaction I will give you my family Lawyer contact phone and fax numbers with the Chambers address who will arrange with you for face to face meeting out side Nigerian in order to liaise with you toward effective completion of this transaction since my movement is restricted and my telephone conversation is being monitored.

However, arrangements have been put in place to move this money out of the country in the secret vault through a security company to abroad and as soon as you indicate your interest, my Lawyer shall send you the Air Bill of the Luggage and other related documents so that you can help
to claim the Luggage.

Conclusively, we have agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum, while 60% is to be held on trust by you until we decide on a suitable business investment in your country and more also 10% is mapped out for internal and external expenses. Subsequent to our free movement by the Nigerian
Government. Please, reply urgently and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity.
Please vist this website.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_909000/909972.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_877000/877113.stm

Best regards,

MRS. MARIAM ABACHA

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FREE Email? You bet. http://www.aeneasmail.com

Nationwide Internet, Local and Long Distance Telephone up to 30% less!!

Aeneas Internet and Telephone – http://www.aeneas.com

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have some of those questions copywriters like to throw at account people. Why is the death mysterious if it is from cardiac arrest? Then, too, we colonials would see the miltary head of state as likely evil and the civilian government as democratic and good, but the writer of this letter sees just the opposite. The civilians are evil, the dead military Head of State (dictator?) is good? Why?

Note the wonderful copywriting style: official, yet bowing to you the reader as a former colonial power: “appeal to you seriously and religiously,” ” treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity.” (The verb form from “liaison” sounds painful or too intimate, though: “liaise with you.”)

Look at the wonderful old-time captalization of nouns: “family Lawyer, ” “Bank Account” for sums of the size embezzled by heads of state, “Swiss Bank, ” the fearsome “Metal Box” containing “US$23.5 Million Dollars” in cash, “claim the Luggage.” That last is where this king’s ransom is currently hidden.

It’s Dickensian, as if you somehow had fallen in with Fagin and the boys or crossed some murky borderland into Joseph Conrad’s African nightmare, The Heart of Darkness.

Sadly, at the end is a mundane pitch for internet, email and telephone service; even scammers have to pay the rent while they wait for the Big Score.

BTW, if you wrote this email marketing campaign, let me know. Was this a profitable mailing? Are those murder stories true? And are you really Nigerian?

If you like collecting, and the thrill of the hunt, try searching eBay for sports memorabilia.

I want to say up front most of the items on eBay are genuine, and most of the big-buck memorabilia there are authentic as well. The few others do make things interesting, though.

For real excitement, start looking for Babe Ruth autographed baseballs. You will find three kinds of these on eBay: real, fake and you’ve got to be kidding.

By the way, as a benchmark, here is a genuine Babe Ruth signature cut from a letter.

Sometimes the real and the fake can be confused. One guy had a ball for sale that was obviously old. (Sometimes I think the perfect BR ball is brand new, yet is signed by a man who passed away in 1948. This is a tough item to find, but somewhat easier on the internet than in the real world.) The signature looked good in dark fountain pen, but the ball did not look like the typical 30’s Babe item. I refused to buy it, at quite a low price. That was a big mistake on my part. The nervous owner, nervous because it looked different, had the ball authenticated. It is an early WWI era (1914-1919) Babe Ruth signed ball, and the value corresponded to its rarity: $12,000. (I had taken a wild guess and gotten that value right.)

There was a nice fake ball, too that I have no image of. It was boldly signed in black pen. Unfortunately, that pen was a Magic Marker ™ which did not exist while the Great Bambino was signing. This auction was cancelled by eBay. Phooey.

I have a classic example of the collectible you’ve-got-to-be-kidding
Babe Ruth autographed baseball. Incredibly, this item was described as an authentic Ruth ball signed in pencil. Why the Sultan of Swat would sign in pencil I have no idea. No fountain pen handy?

But anyone can guess why an amateur forger would do this: you can re-sign, redraw every darn letter till you get it right.

Unfortunately, after I pointed out the item to eBay officials, they stopped the auction. I still think it would make a great gag gift. Like that 1972 fruitcake that keeps being regifted, it could be the Christmas gift that wouldn’t die.

While browsing the web, I found an offer to become a mystery shopper, where I would earn
money from shopping and reporting on the experience. I entered my zip code and discovered marketing info from my area is in great demand. I could shop at various large chains like Target and Home Depot, and get to keep what I bought with their money, as long as I filled out a comprehensive marketing research report.

(I’ve done these before, but I was a copywriter watching through one-way glass, as focus groups talked about their favorite deodorant.)

Anyway, the mystery shopper site listed my nearest stores to evaluate as several miles away. Then I read the terms and conditions. Whoops. My information, that is, my telephone number, street address and verified email address could all be given or sold to third parties.

So, as a mystery shopper, you are nothing but fresh meat for spammers.

I have been buried in spam before. In fact, in the recent book about the history of spam, Spam Kings, I recognized every single “marketing” campaign mentioned, even the Banned CD, whatever that was.

I decided maybe my zip code hadn’t been singled out for special treatment. I chose a different zip code, 99685 , which as you may know, is for Unalakleet, Alaska, a village on Alaska’s western coast. It has 750 people, mainly Eskimo fishing people. Not a shopping mecca. Sure enough, Unalakleet is also in high demand for undercover shoppers, even though the nearest Lowe’s or Home Depot that I could report on is in Anchorage, 393 miles away.

That seemed a little close. Was there a more remote zip code? An American settlement farther from a shopping mall? Yes, 96599, McMurdo Station, Antarctica, which probably doesn’t get snail mail very quickly, given the rough winters. (If you send a package there, be careful with packing materials. A lot of the eco-hazardous waste is flown out, and at the South Pole itself, styrofoam packing peanuts are banned from the landfill, as they produce gaseous waste.)

Sure enough, here too mystery shoppers are needed, but here the system failed as it could not calculate the distance to the nearest large retail store to evaluate.

Phooey. I would have loved to report on the first Home Depot at McMurdo.