Copywriting, branding and other mayhem.

The Drudge Report has a transcript of the wild Tom Cruise interview where he attacked Brooke Shield’s use of psychiatry and psychoactive drugs to help with her depression. Instead, he recommended vitamins and exercise.

This line of thinking is based on Scientology, though it is not mentioned in the interview.

The September issue of Radar magazine, which I mentioned yesterday, shows on its cover a Risky Business photo of Tom Cruise in his underwear being pierced by arrows. I was reminded of a medieval painting of a saint and was trying to find a painting of St. Sebastian.

I was wrong. The closest example to the Cruise cover is a cover of Esquire done by ad legend George Lois. It shows Cassius Clay Mohammed Ali pierced by arrows exactly like the new Cruise cover. (It was so long ago, 1968, I thought it was before Ali changed his name.)

I have a coffeetable book of George Lois’s work too, but I try not to steal so directly. In fact, the Ali image is on the spine of the dustjacket for Lois’s The Art of Advertising. You don’t have to even open the book to plagiarize from Mr. Lois.

To the Radar editor: did you think that blatant copying would pass under the radar?

Radar Magazine, which I think I’ve quoted before, has just come out an issue featuring Tom Cruise.

He’s the cover boy of the magazine. But the article is not too kind, as the topic is Mr. Cruise’s recent ravings about Scientology in the media while supposedly promoting the movie of H. G. Well’s classic novel, War of the Worlds.*

The article has a picture of Tom’s jump-up-on-the-couch-and-scream TV appearance. Rather than attacking psychoactive drugs, he needs them. Valium ™ can be a great comfort.

The article details his rapid rise up the Scientology “Bridge,” I mean, ladder. (Founder L. Ron Hubbard was fond of ships. A 500-acre Scientology resort features huge ship replicas. The highest levels of Scientlogy staff are called the Sea Organization.) After a rough time at some of the lower levels of the church, Cruise was given a respite, because the church didn’t want to lose its most famous believer.

Why would anyone need a break from Scientology? At one level of its teaching, you are told about history of the evil thetans — aliens survivors from an intergalactic disaster — who have poisoned the human spirit for many centuries.

The article is excepted on the Radar website.

* Note: I have real problems with that film separate from Cruise’s starring role: it exploits 9/11 images to give authenticity to its horrors. Of course, they are not actual 9/11 images — which would kept audiences away — but Spielberg’s recreations of them: for example, the posted photos of missing people.

Going the US one better than the non-alcoholic RedBull ™ mixed with real vodka, a Japanese company has introduced Kidsbeer ™, a guarana soda that looks just like your favorite brew.

It is a reformulated version of Guarana — an ordinary cola based on the South American plant — now made less sweet and a heck of a lot foamier.

(I hope it tastes better than the B to the E ™ sweet malt beverage I mentioned earlier in this journal. Remember, that was real alcohol pretending to be soda. It looks like beer, but it tastes like those energy drinks.)

Kidsbeer ™ is selling well. It is a twin of real beer in traditional brown glass long-neck bottles with classic beer labels. It is gaining popularity, even being sold as a gift item in department stores.

The theme line is translated as “Even kids can’t stand life unless they have a drink.”

I hope that line wouldn’t fly over here. It’s an obvious way to encourage underage drinking of Realbeer.

An enterprising photographer has taken a photo of the Plugg ™ jeans billboard in Times Square. You know the one: there were rumors that it was too raunchy even for the new Times Square, and that it would never be displayed.

Apparently not, because there it is, just over the shoulder of what one blogger called an 1800’s gentleman.

The gentlman is George M. Cohan (1878-1942), the old time Broadway actor, and prolific playwright. He’s the man portrayed in the James Cagney movie, Yankee Doodle Dandy.

The billboard behind it does conjure up old Times Square, though. (Frankly, I think the pigeon on Mr. Cohan’s head is more annoying than the billboard.)

Publicis West in Seattle has come up with some innovative, hard-hitting spots for Dish Network ™.

One entitled Binky, shows the TV sucking everything in the room to it. “TV doesn’t have to suck. Dish Network. Better TV for all.”

Another titled Dinner shows a quiet dinner party disturbed by a mysterious breeze. Yes, it the sucking TV again. And this time it sucks up the cat.

I think a lot of people these days feel that cable TV is terrible and this campaign reinforces that and gives athe cable user a beeter choice.

Have you bought any gas lately? I hear that some gas stations are raising their prices several times a day.

So this billboard by Dallas Area Rapid Transit captures the feelings of a lot of drivers.

The headline on a typical gas pump showing $39.97 for 16.705 gallons is “@%$*$?!.”

You took the word right out of my mouth.

Sears, Roebuck & Company has decided to consolidate its advertising with Young & Rubicam, ending its 43-year tenure at O&M, according to a report at AdAge.com. The account will move from Ogilvy by October 1st. Both agencies are part of the parent company, WP Group.

O&M handled the Craftsman ™, Die Hard ™, and Kenmore ™ brands. Y & R has handled “The Softer Side of Sears” store positioning since 1993.

The decision comes after a month-long agency review requested by Sears’ CEO, Eddie Lampert. Sears has recently cut its fees to both agencies, causing Ogilvy’s Chicago office to reduce staffing.

A Y & R spokesman commented that this a slow, gradual victory, not a one-time event. Sears has been Y & R’s largest account for some time. Y&R’s current Sears store branding campaign is “Good Life, Great Price.”

Several major UK agency sites are reviewed by The Independent. There’s a “geek report,” “obligatory platitude” and “excruciating moment” for each website. The geek report rates the usability and look of the site, while the other two rate the those lofty lines and flubs that agencies sometimes create to sell themselves.

Some examples of platitudes: “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet…”, the page filler –“Greek” text — left up on the Budweiser page by Cake Media; “the power of one” from Euro RSCG; “consumer chemistry” from RKCR/Y&R .

Someone should rate American ad agency sites the same way.

Somehow, I don’t think he will like this kind of publicity.

Hell, it seems, is a New Zealand pizza chain. It’s new wave pizza, often served blanco with toppings like avocado, chicken, and cashews.

The billboard features a generic smiling President Bush photo with the headline, “Hell. Too good for some evil bastards.”

I thought they were on our side. Imagine the uproar if this ran in America.